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yoga hot spot vancouver wa
ladies and gentlemen please welcome to thestage my friend the incomprehensible kathleen madigan wow thank you. thank you guys so much. thisis fun it's half way through this year i've made a resolution and i've kept it. i've nevereven made one but i set enough is enough. this year i am no longer going to go on webmdand self diagnosis my imaginary illnesses.
yoga hot spot vancouver wa , last year was very stressful. i had anklecancer for awhile. then i had shrinking eyeballs that was weird. and then i had sickle cell enigma at the endof the year. my friend goes baby that's only for black people. i said i know that's whyit's extra alarming.
i was like christ i'm going to be the firstwhite lady with this ever. that's a lot of responsibility. what a year i went to iraq and afghanistanto entertain the troops. thank you no that's very nice thank you. i feel guilty when you applaud. i tried toget out fo it like 800 ti'mes. i was scared. i'm like don't we have any troops in san diegofor christ sakes. i see the sign. how about a little ha ha inhonolulu before they set sail. it was a fancy uso trip though. i went with..lewiswent and kid rock and kelly pickler from american idol. and that is a foursome you can onlycreate in your mind if you took percocet after
a weird medical procedure. because kelly's hilarious but she doesn'tknow why. we went to afghanistan first. wow what a shithole. that did not even meet my low expectations. i was like what a dump. and when people gohow much money would it cost to fix afghanistan? i'm like i don't know. i saw it. from whati saw i would saw run this questions through you mind. how much money would it cost tofix the moon. whatever number just shot through your head,you are correct. when we got there the said we had to sleepin tents. they said that's the guys tent and that's the girls tent.
well the guys tent for some reason was reallywarm and ours was freezing. we get in the bunk beds. kelly's in the topbunk. i'm in the bottom. she leans over. she goes. kathleen i'm freezing. do you thinkthe guys would mind if we went over and slept with them? hahaha oh i'm like well i certainly don'tthink they would mind if you went down and slept with them. why don't you let me shi'mmy out of my readingglasses and put on my sweat pants that say nothing on the ass and i will go down andask them kelly. then the following day this general guy. hewas really serious. i would like to gi've
the four of you a very intense military briefing. i'm like a briefing? look at us for christsake. kid rock's not even awake sir. he's standing up but he's not awake. that's a trick he learned a long time ago.that's why he has sunglasses on inside. because he is sleeping., lewis doesn't need to be any more angry. don'ttell hi'm one more piece of information. and poor little kelly doesn't even know wherewe are why is it so sandy? kathleen how come theyall got on the same outfits? but this guy oh he continued with the briefing.he had charts and graphs. he was all into
it. he's like. it's amazing what the unitedstates military has done here in afghanistan. we built 16,000 miles worth of new roads,18 new schools, and 15 new police departments. i was like wow that is amazing.when we'redone we should invade detroit . cause i love detroit. i go there twice a year.those are some of the most opi'mistac people in the united states of america. i can't believethere's people still there. do you guys have tvs? have you not heard?it's over. what is the conversation at the dinner table?well some things going to happen god damn it. some thing's going to happen. gm is going to make a car powered by bananasthat can fly. i saw it on dateline.
and everybody forgets in irag and afghanistanthat half the people over there are national guards people. now you know that is not whatthey thought was going to happen when they where gung over that saturday on the couchand saw the commercial for the national guard. i've seen it. it's enticing. hey a weekendfree need some money? yeah do you enjoy the woods? why well who doesn't. fast forward you sitting in an outhouse inkabul going what the fuck this was not in the ad. they said nothing about leaving myhome state.nothing
and we went bosnia on this trip. i didn'trealize there was still on issue in bosnia. i must have read our bios or something thecamp guy cause he goes. who's here originally from st louis missouri?i said i am. oh you're going to have a great show. we gotthe entire missouri national guard here. 2,700 hundred people on this base are from the stateof missouri. well that's nice for bosnia but who the fuckis guard missouri now? what? what if those arkansas hill billies cope andattitude and get an idear or two and decided to attack our ass? nothing?
and i don't know what the age cut off it forthe national guard. i keep meaning to goggle it. but i know it's not 59 one of the female soldiers was 59 years old.,i'm like oh my god that's 4 years younger than my mom. that is crazy. do you know how much moneyi would gi've to see a video tape of my mom and dad in a tank in baghdad? just to hear the bickering in the tank. jack out blinker is still on and were notturning. we're confusing other tanks. jack jack i have to go to the bathroom again. jackstop the tank.
my mom will be the first victi'm of friendlyfire in a tank ever. oh we have a new president. maybe it willall work out. it's not who i...i was in the hilary campto be honest. i was all about. hilary. thank you 3 other middle aged white ladies. i know as soon as they said middle aged whitewomen. i was like ooh shit i gotta get out of her camp. i got in a big shake down with my dad aboutit. he's old school irish catholic democrat but not a clinton fan. especially of hers. he goes why would you even possible thinkabout supporting that woman?
i don't know dad. i think she has more experiencethan obama. based on what? i don't know dad she li'ved in the white housefor 8 years. well your mother has li'ved in this housefor 40 do you think she's a god damn attorney? hahaha ah ok funny pant. and he never tires of hisown sense of humour. 3 weeks after that i had to hire a plumber. he says maybe his wifewill come over and fix the damn leak then. i'm sure she's ridden in the van and seenthe equipment. that seems to be enough for you.
it really bothered me too with hilary becauseeveryti'me they would talk about her they had to mention she was a women. they had tobring it up. can a woman a do this. can a woman do that? what do the woman think? i'm like yes. a woman can win. is it her?i don't know. a lot of people don't even like hilary clinton. how about madeleine al-bright?she's smart experienced and bonus already looks exactly like george washington. think of all the money we would save on thepainting we have to do on those people. we can just move george's to the 44th spotand paint the broach on it right here and that's the person in charge right now.
then when she is done move it back . poor girl. hilary she hasn't been in thiscountry one day since she got that job i mean in every picture she is just some crazy asscountry. she hasn't seen a blow dryer in 17 months. there's circle under eyes. you knowobama and those guys got in a room and went. what job can we gi've her so we don't haveto see her fat pants wear bossy ass for the next 4 years? bingo secretary of state. bye bye. cause you knowshe thinks she's coming home. and she gets to the plane and that black berry is blowingup again. ah oh bar fight in siberia. your
problem not mine. signed lol obama. btw i saw bill in the hotel lobby with a hottyi don't know what that's about. my sister was on board with obama but she'sten years younger than me and much less cynical. all kathleen he's all about hope and changeand change and hope and change. the whole thing is going to change. don't you have anyhope left for chrst sake? i'm like let me check...hah..no no i gave up hope for this country when wetook pillows out of couch on american airlines ok? if we can't afford a 5 cent foam piece ofshit so my neck doesn't break on a 6 hour
flight we suck. it is over. just go get arosetta stone and learn chinese before they get here. cause they are coming and there's a billionof them. and i saw the open ceremonies for the beijing olympics. they have their acttogether on a level that is frighting.. i don't think it's going to be that hard tothrow our fat american asses off the couches watching sports centre with a hang over. were going to wake up and there's going tobe a chinese family in your family room. just staring at you on the couch and say. you gohome now. oh uh..i think i am home.
no no not any more. joke on you. no no we bought your house while you watch superbowl. no i don't have any hope. i didn't have that much hope when i was younger.i'm always amazed how young people can get all into stuff. literally lou and i workedin canada somewhere and i was walking down the street in vancouver. and in one hand i had a lit cigarette andin the other hand i had a hot dog. and this 20 something girl leaps out of an ally witha green peace folder. and she goes excuse me maim can i talk to you about the future?
well you better hurry up. i could have a stoke by the ti'me you're donetalking. i went honey. i clearly don't gi've a shitabout myself what are the odds i care about what's in your folder? i would like to have hope. even my religiondoesn't have hope. i was raised catholic. really this people. he's ignoring everything.my mom still has hope about it. maybe the whole scandal will make this change for thebetter. well there's one thing the catholic churchis not hip on mom it would be change. the last pope before he dies made a specialtrip to russia to apologize to the greek orthodox
church for things we did in the year 1204. 1204. that's the file their on mom. they haven't even gotten to gravity. are youfollowing their time line of there discussion topics? they still know how to make money though.i'll give the catholics credit for that cause ai tell you i didn't realise how much moneyother religions aren't making. i for the first time ever went to salt lake city and therewere signs at the airport. come to adore the mormon temple. i thought well i would liketo do that. i've seen it on tv it looks spectacular. so i go over and i would like to buy a ticketto to that. she goes are you kidding me you
cant go in. that's only for morons only onspecial occasions. i was like were there's your first mistake. cause the vatican is charging64 dollars cash. we don't gi've a shit who's in line. satan hi'mself could show up. and if he hadthe cash. we would be like we're not really happy about it but were going to let you in.lot of pictures of you on the ceiling fyi so then i asked the girl. i go well what'sthe tour. i saw a sign. oh well take you on a tour of the smaller temples. just wait rightover there. and i realise i'm the only person on this tour. this isn't fun and now i cantleave early. there's no eye rolling. i have to pay attention.
but thank god at the last minute i'm not theonly person on the tour. i am joined by a 62 year old teamster from chicago that looksand sounds exactly like all of my uncles. i'm thinking this is going to be great causei can tell by looking at bob that all of the inappropriate things that run though my head,bob is going to say out load. bob has no filter. i can tell. so they gi'veus our tour guide this 21 year old girl. she is very sweet. welcome to the tour both ofyou. what i'm holding here is the book of moron. another testament of jesus christ will you believe that after jesus christ diedad was resurrected he visited north americas specifically upstage network where he leftmagic tablet in a hill side? our leader joseph
smith was visited by an angle who told himwhere to find the tablets and gave him a magical hat and peeping stone to translate them intothis the book of mormon. are there any questions? i'm like i'm good how about you bob what ayou got? bob couldn't believe it. wait a minute waita minute wait wait wait. you're going to have to back up sweet heart.hold on. so you're trying to tell me with a strait face that you think jesus christwas in new york at the same time as geronimo? oh my god bob. that made less sense than whatshe just said and i didn't think that was humanly possible 5 minutes exchange. poor girl. she was like. i don't know anythingabout indians but we should move to the next
temple. and she just ran away from us. bob turns around. do you believe this shit? i said well no but i'm not a mormon bob. what are you. i said i'm catholic me too and i know we believe in a lot of crazyshit ok? but we made our shit up way before television. yes we did bob and you should tell her thatat the next stop and see if her eyes cross any more than they did to the geroni'mo then the tour got way too long. and then youend up in the trick you into being a mormon
room. and they are all real nice and theygot pencils and index cards. can we have your email? i'm like yes you can. my sisters email. and then i wait for that phone call. wereyou in utah? seriously kathleen is this funny? how old are you? is this what you think isfunny? yes the mormons are healthy people though i'llgi've them that. and that's good because health care..you knowi would like to write a joke about health care but i don't even understand it enoughto write a joke about it and i've read about
it 555 times. all i know is i have horribleinsurance. i have the kind where if i use my dr they will only pay 50%but if i use their dr they will pay 80% which is great until you meet their dr. it's 2 15 year odls going take it off yourclothes hurry up tak'em off take em off. i think it's nice obama has hope. i hope thathis hope is right. i would think it's exhausting. as soon as we settle something something elsehappens. terrorism again. ok the guy car guy i don't count. the guy who tried to fly outof detroit with bottle rockets in his underwear now that's inconvenienced me. oh christ everyone'sdropping shit in their underwear. not good you're all going to have go through the wholehuman x-ray machine.
and then rush limbah lost his mind. that isan invasion of my privacy i do not want anyone to see me naked. well i thought how ironic. but then i thought ok well maybe he's right.maybe it's an invasion of our privacy. what do we have in this country. we have a hugeterrorism issue and we have a health care crisis. why not at the airport we send everyone thougha cat scan. i would love a free cat scan every time itravelled. i don't even care if it's a dr reading it. it could just be the guy fromtsa going baby i ain't no dr or nothing but
there's weird ass shit in your kidney. i mean this si the chart. that's what it'ssupposed to look like and your shit don't look like that that's it. you got a big ol spot in there. did you eata golf ball or something? do you eat gold balls? here's your copy. when you get home you outto have that looked at. that's all i'm saying there's easy answers to things but no oneon thinks of them. illegal immigration arizona is going crazy. we don't have to build walls.we don't even have to laws. i say we turn illegal immigration into a reality show wherewe vote people in and we vote people out.
americans would get involved then they wouldcare. cause i think we could all agree there's a lot of illegal immigrates that are alreadyhere that are working really hard and we would like it if they stayed. ad i think we can also all agree there's alot of americans that haven't really panned out. so we just start voting and ryansecrest canannounce the results like he did on american idol. joining us this week is juan gonzalez.he's been hiding in a garage in buffalo for over eleven and a half years but apparentlyhe is an eye doctor. leaving us this week. she has 8 new babiesand 6 she already couldn't afford. say goodbye
to the octo-mom america. i just would not want to be obama. the wholeeconomy has fallen apart. i knew the economy was falling apart 6 years ago when i got ahome loan. i was like really? they said yeah? they didn'task a lot of questions. ok. i went into washington mutual and the loan lady..she goes. ok youwanna buy the house we do the paperwork for you see if you get your money. what you dofor a living? i said well i'm a stand up comedian. she goes. oh oh you put on make-up? you funfor children? ok put birthday clown i don't give a shit.that's good yeah?
they probably work every sunday. put thati like that. and if that doesn't work we will run comedian though after birthday clown.boom it worked. 300 hundred and fifty thousand dollar loan to a birthday clown. if that doesn'ttell you something has gone seriously ary. and the banks don't care. they don't careat all. there level of not caring...washington mutual has turned into chase. about 3 monthsago i went to the bank at 11 o'clock in the morning. that's a normal time to go to thebank. i get there i see people working at the bankbut it's pad locked and chained up and you cant go in the bank. there's a security guardand he's about 150 years old and hes missing an eye.
i just kept thinking. i certainly hope nothinghorrible happens on this side today. because someone isn't going to have a report. so i say to this security guard. i don't getit. there's people working in the bank why cant i go in the bank? he goes..mmm baby it'sjust all fucked up. what do you mean? well i ain't supposed to say nothing but whati heard is that little fellow in north korea he hacked into the whole banking thing andhe took a lot. really? this is who chase has elected to speakto the customers? i'm sorry is there a manager with 2 eyes anda shit that can come out here and tell me
if i'm jong il has taken my last 1,400 hundreddollars? are you kidding me? i blame a lot of the economy falling aparton oprah. she ordered american women to go out and buythings they could not afford. that's when i quit watching the show. thedichotomy in her shows was so ridiculous. on tuesday she come out and go ladies. it'sall about jimmy chu shoes. you gotta have em. your feet are going to fall off. yourgoing to have bunions the size of montana if you don't get some jimmy chew shoes. nowif you've never heard of them they are about 500 dollars or more a pair. highly impractical.then the following day the entire show would be about credit card debit.
and there's all these 40 some things cryingon the stage and she's just berating them. ladies how did it get this out of hand? they are like. you fucking told us... why don't we rewind the tape chubby chub stein.i believe it was you who brought mister chew into the conversation. if i watch oprah now i only like to watchit when it's a hard serious depressing topic because she has had so many gi've away showsin the past. when its a hard serous depressing topic when they pan the audience you can seethe look of sheer disappointment on those woman's faces.
oprah comes out. today's topic is abused womanin india. pans the crowd. what the fuck. where are my free ugg boots bitch? i stood outsidefor 5 hours. some 900 year old lady from wisconsin. doesthis mean were not getting a free pontiac? i kinda went of the edge to with oprah becauseof the magazine. because she puts herself on the cover every single month. i'm likecould you be more narcissistic? how do you bring that up at the staff meeting with outtotally sounding like hitler? yeah as far as the cover was going the ideawas that i keep coming up with. zey are of me! every single month we will have a photographof me. sometimes i will be holding a basket of puppiesfor no reason.
someti'mes i will be painting a picture ofme. i didn't think you could get more narcissisticthan that. oh yes you can. a few months ago oprah had 2 pictures of herself on the front.wow. cause she's fat again so she had a picture of her now super chubby oprah and then a pictureof the last chubby oprah from before and then within the article says she thinking its inexcusable.finally something we agree upon oprah. yes it is inexcusable because you are a billionaire.i understand why poor people are fat. cause their poor and taco bell is god damn delicious. taco bell will throw things into your carfor 59 cents that you've never tasted anything like before in your life. you're like thegordato what? god dri've around again before
they cancel this. this is awesome. get 100i don't want brag but i have 8 dollars. i really believe taco bell should be rewardedrestaurant of the century. they have 5 ingredients and every month they trick me back in therewith something new and crazy. kathleen have you had the black taco? no i'mcoming. ok so i get why poor people are fat. but oprahyou're a billionaire. you have enough money to pay a man to stand there and literallyslap shit out of your hand before you put it in your month. you could hire a full time food slapper. yourso rich you could pay someone to exercise you. you could just lay there like a babywith cerebral palsy and have people move you
legs yay hey. and then oprah sold out. i never thought isee it happen because her ratings were not that great and she booked sarah palin as aguest. really? oh i think y'all know oprah's politics. to book sarah palin. wow and i cantlisten to sarah palin cause i can't listen any full grown adult that fake cusses. eithercuss or do not. but that weird middle ground i just find extremely creepy. well golly gee donut holes whiz bang cheesecrackers america. and she always says. gee america i just can'tbelieve i'm here. and i'm going. well neither can fucking i maim.
christ i'm 40 i have glasses is there someshort of contest i didn't know about that i can enter to be john mccain running mate? and she would continually brag. well i'm thegovernor of alaska. well ma'am i've been there ten times. not a big deal. you know why? there'sno people there maim. there are more reindeer than people in the state of alaska you cangoggle that. i would have been impressed had she said shewas the game warden. wow that is intense. there's like grizzlybears up there and those moose get into town and kick old people and your not allowed toshoot em you gotta trick em out with apples. there is a lot going on.
and she loves the tea party people. i don'tunderstand the tea party women who are walking around with sign that say we want what thefounding fathers wanted. well ladies they didn't let us vote. so you might want to reread the brochure of the team you just signed up with. i'll give it to the tea party people thoughthey are active. there out matching and i can not think of one thing. i've never beenin a protest. i don't really even get them. i might be in if it started in my apartment. i be like yeah mikes right. i'm on mikes side.then i thought. what would i get up for? maybe if they said were going to ban alcohol again.id be like fuck where's the meeting. i gotta
get up. i gotta go somewhere. so that's it i'm done with oprah i wont watchher. i wont watch american idol any more cause they let paula go. how do you do that? howto you let her go? the most interesting lady in television. i haven't seen that much drinkingon tv since bewitched. and i don't know really if it was drinkingor pills or her synapses don't fire right but i loved it because she treated the showfor what it was. its a jack ass game show. you don't need to be sober to judge that.show up half in the bag it doesn't matter. and she was always nice no mater how bad somebodywas. no matter what anybody is saying she just slurred out the same sentence . you knowwhat i like about you honey? ahhhh
you're always true to yourself. good job sweet heart. then she do the crazy misclap and fall backin her chair. her thumb didn't even hit the other hand. it was a total error clap. this si an entertaining interesting woman.they should have hired her to to do the cbs nightly newsreader of katy kuric cause i wouldcrash my car to get home in ti'me to watch paula abdul deliiver the nightly news. there seems to be a problem somewhere. ahhh and katy kuric. what a moron. you leave thetoday show the number one watched show in
the united states to go the nightly news within of itself is an outdated concept. it wont even exist in 5 years from now. they come on at 7 o'clock. do you know whathappened today? yeah yeah i got a computer, i got a black berry,i got cnn, i got fox, and unless it happened at 6:59 odds are i've gotten wind of it youcrazy old bastard. michele jackson has died. dude he died at9 in the morning. he's been buried, jeron has a new reality show, can you guys speedthis up? i was actually home with my mom when thathappened and she completely went crazy on
the couch. not like she's a huge michele jacksonfan but she's like ah that selfish bastard. what? he left his children to their motheri just want you you kids to know that if you die your father and i do not what your children. that woman is 79 god damn years old. thatis ridiculous. ok got the message mom. even the stories on the nightly news are gearedfor old people. they know they're audience. join us on the nightly news. are the tennisballs on your walker causing you problems? nope not yet. i don't even watch a lot of tv though i didget tivo 2 years ago and i think that every
year you own tivo for every year you get 25%more stupid than you were the year before before you had it. because tivo knows what you tape and thenit tapes things it thinks you might like. so it becomes like an enabling bad room-mate. like i taped one special about the world'ssmallest pri'mordal dwarf who chain smoked. how do you not want to spend an hour withthat little fellow? but then i come home from the road and tivois like hey kathleen welcome home. wanna see a lot of other dwarfs with weird ass shitgoing on? yes yes yes
i like the show hoarders. i don't know howmany people...yeah that is a great show. if you've never seenit it's just people that cant throw things away. it just really really out of hand. andmy friend stayed at my house and i got back from the road and he goes. there is somethingwrong with you. i go well what do you mean. he says you have17 episodes of hoarders all on your tivo. i go i know don't you se the irony? i'm hoardingepisodes of hoarders. i watch a lot of the discovery medical healthchannel. its not that i even want but its always on in hotels. its always right beforei'm going to go to sleep. i seem to flip to that channel and the seem to say the weirdestsentence you have ever heard in your life
not you can not turn it off. somewhere on the road this is what i hear.join us for the next hour while we visit with archie the 84 pound one year old. ah you cant go to bed now. you gotta at leastsee archie. what?! 84 pound one year old. they come back from the break the guy allserious..that's what i love,..he's all british. here he is on his first birthday archie weighedin at 84 pounds. it was at this point sarah and nigel became frightened. but, it take that long i mean like would ithe wait to 68 or something. he would be like holy crap this is kinda weirdarchie?
you don't even know dial a phone, that's crazy. then that rolled into a two hour special aboutautism, twenty minutes into it i was completely convinced i have it. some form of it, because the lady they werefollowing around she was like, my age and everything they were saying about her, i waslike yeah, why is that weird? my friend scott goes, don't you think youparents would have noticed if you were autistic? i am like no, i do not. no, there are sevenkids in my family. my parents didn't notice anything scott. i could have been paralysedfrom the waist down and my dad would have been like "that's our lazy kid".
its her mothers fault, she lets her sit onthat god damn couch all day and i mean if you wanna feel good you gotta get off yourass and do something, you know what i am saying? seven kids, that's too many. its too many,we literally drove my mom crazy. this is my impression of my mom's idea of disciplinefor about a decade. she stand out on the front porch with a drink and a cigarette going,so help my christ. if one of you god damn kids even thinks abouttaking one step off this property, were like mom we are in the basement. those are theneighbour kids your yelling at. i get it though. i get the drinking, my sisterhas identical twin girls they are one and a half. i had a complete and total nervousbreakdown in a target parking lot because
i could not get the double stroller smashedback down into a size that would fit in the vehicle. i couldn't find the magic button.and finally i thought, this is ridiculous i have money so i goggled how much they costbecause i thought, i am going to leave it. and i'll have another one overnighted andno one will know. the girls cant say anything. all they can say is dirt and bucket, theycant put this whole story together. my younger sister is the polar opposite ofme, blonde hair, blue eyes, naturally happy. just like the yellow lab running at ya. hi!hi! i love you! i miss you! hi! hi! hi! hi! so happy, so friendly. she will talk to anyoneon a plane. but she is forest gump, dude, she always lucks out. she'll get off the plane,guess who i sat next to? i don't know, who?
the president of revlon make-up, i am gettingfree make-up for the next seventeen years. here's my code. really? you wanna know who i sat next to?chatty cathy from minnesota. do you know how much snowfall minnesota since the year 1970?do you? i fucking do. i know now. that information was shoved in my brain against my will. and me and my sister have the same name. sheis ten years younger than me. my name is kathleen, her name is catherine. so, they bring herhome from the hospital, i am ten i am all excited. i am like, what did you guys nameher? they were like catherine. i was like...whatthe fuck. i already kind have that name. hello,
was i not living up to your expectations ofwhat you thought would happen? and my dad responds "oh...those are entirelydifferent names in gaelic." well, whatever weirdo, were not trying druidsliving in ireland in 1104. we live it st. louise, missouri and this is going to getweird george forman, for us. i still have relatives in ireland, and what'sreally weird is that put a comedy festival at the same town where they live and lastyear, my younger brother went with me the first night i didn't have a show. so, we went out drinking. now, we were notdrunk but we had a lot of guinness. but, for whatever reason, that night, we kept seeinga lot of dwarves. and i said to my aunt, who
lives in that town, the following day. we go, hey. is there an inordinate amountof dwarves in this town? and she goes, well, kathleen i suppose that would depend on yourdefinition of inordinate. sixteen, nineteen. i mean, we saw twins. idon't know. she is like, well, there are the murphy's at the crossing. the fitzgerald'sout on kings road, she started naming whole families off. and i am all like, well this is how that wholeleprechaun nonsense got started. people just got hammered and over exaggerated what theythought they saw. they were like, i saw him last night t the bar and he was magical andhe disappeared into thin air.
no, that was dave and he is a dwarf and hewent home. that all, jumped off his tiny stool, paid his tab. no bucket of gold, didn't evendo a card trick, nothing. the irish do like to drink, and we are goodat it though. we are almost like, olympic drinkers. we are that good at drinking. thatwhy i think duis are based on your height and weight is ridiculous. i am a small person, but i can drink a lot.i think duis should be based on your nationality. and if i get pulled over, i should be ableto be honest with the cop. if he says have you been drinking? i shouldbe able to go, yes. i have had three beers and then he looks at my license and he goesohh... your last name is, madigan. wow, you
could have had eight. and then i go home. my dad loves being irish, so much that hewas a lawyer forever. and these are the guys he hired, this was the name of the law firm,madigan, hadigan, cadigan and maloney. and they made money. i am like who showed up there thinking thingswere really gonna get accomplished? that's astonishing. you should have just hung upa sign that said, four alcoholics with a copy machine. but, your dads gonna be a lawyer, you wantit to be cool. like, law and order or something exciting. no, he did works-men compensation,that's not exciting. all he did was fight
insurance companies his whole entire life.he hates them. his head will explode in front of you if youmention an insurance company. and to him, everything is a claim. everything is an insuranceclaim. i came home, catholic school fourth grade. i go, i don't get it, if jesus wasgod and god can do anything, couldn't jesus have just got off of the cross? absolutely could, and technically that whythe claim would have been ruled a suicide and the family wouldn't have collected a nickel. i want all you kids to remember, if you aregoing to kill yourself, you drive into a god damn tree and make a look like an accidentso that. and, don't leave a note for christ
sake. don't leave a note. i am like nine, okay... he is funny, that is why when people say,oh, how do you write a joke? most of the time, i don't. i just call home. and i say whatare you guys doing? and i repeat what they have said to me and i make money. my favourite one was this past fall, i calledhome and my dad answered. i go, what are you doing? he goes, i just got home from golfmen's league. your brother was there. i got pulled over for a dui. i go, oh...that's notgood. had you been drinking? nope, i hadn't had a drop. but, uh, this man didn't believeme. he said, i had to get out of the car.
and we were gonna play some games to see ifi had been drinking. so, he told me to walk an imaginary line between my car and his carand back. and i said, okay. and then, kathleen, i juststood there. i go, i don't get it. he goes, well then he fell for my trap. well, thenhe said are you gonna start walking? and i said, well do you have your line in your head?because you told me to make up an imaginary line and i have but, only i can see it becauseits in my god damn imagination. i am sure you gotta line but, i cant see yourline, you can't see my line. so, i don't see how i win your game. i am just going to standhere, until someone older and smarter arrives on the scene.
but, then my brother, who golfs with him getsin on the other line and he goes, wow, i just think on the way over home from golf i sawdad on the side of the road doing the dui stuff. i go, you didn't stop dad? he goes, no. but,here is the beauty of it i'm hammered. i flew right by that guy. he goes, we should take them out all the time,when we are drinking as the decoy car. i have four brothers, that's a lot. i knowmore about sports than i ever need to know. and i always fight with my younger brotherabout tiger woods. because, i have watched golf way before all of this nonsense. but,i have never liked him.
i always thought he was a jackass. thank you,one person. but, my brother goes well, you just don'tlike him because he wins so much. and i go, no, i don't like him because of the anger.i don't get the anger. he is always breaking clubs and he is throwing things and he iscussing in front of the kids. i don't get it. you make 100 million dollars a year, you havea beautiful wife and apparently 70 thousand girlfriends. you've got two kids, what/whereis the anger coming from? if i just had the money, alone. if i had a hundred million dollarsa year i wouldn't care if i drove the golf ball up my own ass.
i would just laugh and laugh, i would go,show it to me again on the replay. c'mon, no i will buy a new ass. i don't care. i mightbuy your ass, that is how much god damn money i have. i like a lot of sports, i will not, i am notinto basketball. my one brother likes it. i do like the nba cares commercials, though. that's when they show how nice the playersare and how when they are off the work they go down to the local grade school and thenthe children teach 'em how to read. my brothers are smart, science/math people.which i am not. they are engineers, i don't even understand what they do for a living.i don't even understand where they work.
i know it is one of those places, that havethose commercials on tv where they don't really sell a product. they just say a bunch of weirdwords and then the ad over. it's just some lady in a wheat field going, yesterday. dreams.innovation. were with you. excenture. what the hell was that? they sold nothing.i said to my sister, i think there is aliens living among us and this is how they communicateright in front of our faces. i think that is the ship coming to phoenix at eight andif you are purple ass is late again we are not waiting on you zing-zong. you got it? my youngest brother, pat he is a broker sohe has had a fun year. hiding under his desk from old people with fire-arms. i feel badfor him. and he always tries to help me with
money. because i am terrible with money. i have never been good with it. i have neverbeen able to balance a check book, i don't care. i loss cash. like, a twenty or something.he really is like, i cannot believe at your age you are still loosing cash. i go, wellbelieve it, i do, and you don't pat and you know what is sad for you, you know what youare never going to know the joy of, finding money that you lost from yourself. that is one of life's smallest, most unexpectedpleasures. you put on those summer shorts you haven't had on in six months and put yourhand in the pocket...ohhhh! twenty-eight dollars! and then i think, okay he is right i shouldcare about money. i should be interested,
right? i am self- employed i need to pay attention.so, sometimes i watch susie orman. i know... but i tell you what if you everwant to feel good about your financial choices watch susie orman and listen to the callers. within twenty seconds, you will feel likeallen greenspan. holy shit, i never did that bob from tulsa.oh, my god. sometimes though, she is so over simplistic,she had a two hour show on credit card debt, where she actually said this sentence outloud people, are you in credit card debt? hereis an idea, maybe it is time to just quit charging? okay...i don't know anything aboutsusie's personal life but i know she has never
been up late with a bottle of wine and a e-baypassword. because i will tell you what time it is susie,it is christmas come early, clickity-clickity-click. i will stay up all night long, biding on thesesound of music diner plates. i didn't even know they existed until twenty-eightminutes ago. and now i am in a death battle with van-trap-family-lover. no, that is why i am so bad with money. whenpeople say happy new year all i think is, fuck it, i gotta do taxes. it is never a happy new year. my accountanthe couldn't...and he is always so angry with me, always. kathleen, i cannot still believethat you are still this disorganized. i cannot
believe that you are still this disorganized. why? why cant you believe that? you have knownme for thirteen years. why would it all turn around? you know what? i can't believe you're stillnot hilarious. you are just as boring this year as you werelast year. how does the sound of your own voice not putyou to sleep? there, are we even? he never laughs, he is always so...... now, do you understand what we are going tobe doing for the next two hours. well, here is what i think is gonna happen,i am going to take this gap bag full of receipts
and i am going to put it on your desk andi am going to start crying. and then, you are going to say, don't cry.and then you are going to turn around and type some shit in the computer and then itis going to come out and then i am going to sign it and then you are going to promisei am not going to jail. that is how i see the next two hours going.i am going to sit here and read my people magazine while you do that. and then my brother got me quick books, hewas in...i am going to send you some quick books. you gotta get more organized. blah,blah, blah....sent it. that was nice. he is like, have you spent any time onlinetrying to understand quick books? no i haven't,
pat. but, i have spent a lot of time onlineon a website called catsthatlooklikehitler.com. let me tell you what, if you are having abad day and flip through those little kittlers, and tell me you are not laughing your assoff. then don't stop until you get to the one doingthe actual heil hitler because he is actually doing it, it is not photoshoped. i have examinedit, a hundred times and it should be offensive but its not because he is only stretchingand he's a cat and he knows nothing about the war, which makes it extra hilarious. i am not even good with the computer. my parentsare better than i am. although my parents have ways of breaking technology i did noteven know were possible.
i went home and at christmas everything workedfine. the printer, everything is great. i went home at easter, i said i am going togo downstairs and print out my boarding pass. and my dad goes, well you can't. almost likehe was proud of it. i go, why not? whole thing is in portuguesenow. i go, what? i don't know how else to say that,kathleen. the whole thing is in portuguese now. i said,well what happened? well, would you like me to tell you what i think happened? or wouldyou like me to tell you what your mother claims happens? i said, i don't know, i don't care.
well, we plugged in a kodak camera, your motherhit some buttons she claims she did not hit. whole god damn thing is in portuguese. that'sit. my parents don't even live in st. louise anymore. they moved to the ozarks, by a lake. and its really pretty but every once and awhile you will see red-neck element jump out at you to remind you that you are in the ozark. like, their outlet mall, there is some normalstuff. your like, ohh...there is the j-crew outlet, that's fun. oh...the gap, who doesn'tlike the gap? next to that, the bible factory outlet. andmy mom's has been in it. i go, what is in there, mom? bibles that are like irregularor wrong......
you just open it up, adam and steve were inthe...ooohhh....hey, hey. no...that is going to the outlet mall. they have a lot of land too, so for fun andretirement my dad decided he would build a hunting cabin in the middle of the woods.and he got my brothers involved, they got the whole thing pretty much completed andthen he had to get the roof on, but my brothers were too busy/lieing/lazy. whatever excusethey came up with. so, he decided he would hire amish people, because there are a tonof them in mid-missouri. i am fascinated by the amish. so, i said,uh, hey did you hire those amish people yet? you can't call the son-of-a-bitches. i neverthought about that.
i don't know how you contact these people?yourmother and i got in the cadillac and chased a buggy for fifty-seven miles. half-way tokansas city. he tells me he is booked for the summer. can you believe that? i am like, which part? that he's got a jobor that you are in a cadillac chasing buggies around mid-missouri? for fun, none the less. they came to california to visit me. i knewmy dad would like it. i don't like it. i am too mid-westy for california. i am not healthy, i am not from a healthytown. i am from st. louise. it is a beer drinking/ cigarette smoking/ meat eating town.
we are so unhealthy that my younger sistermoved to seattle and when she got there she saw everyone on bicycles and she just assumedthey had all gotten duis. she is like, this town is crazy. i am notdrinking and driving here. oh, my god... la is too healthy for me, everybody is a vegetarian.i wont even go out to eat with vegetarians any more. i am done, i am over it. becausethey always have to say something, always. and i don't say anything when they order theirbowl of dirt, nothing. i zip it. i never make any kind of comment, but theyalways have to comment. really kathleen, you are going to order asteak? i am, i am. i might have a hot dog for dessert.i don't care.
then, they go the emotional route. i don'tknow...i don't think it is nice. i don't think god meant for us to eat cows... well, then i think he should have harder tocatch. you don't see anybody eating cheetah burgers,do ya? they could be delicious, but at sixty milesan hour, who has the energy to catch one and find out? that's crazy. i smoke, and that's not cool in los angela's.oh, my god. and obviously you cant smoke inside. people are still mean. i was in an alley behinda bar with two homeless guys and a man in a trash can. trying to enjoy a cigarette.and this lady gets out of her car and walks
over to me. she is pissed and i was like, what the hellis going on? she goes, that is filthy-vile-disgusting habit.and its going to kill you. i went, maybe it will, maybe it wont. we arein la and when that big earth quake hits, which it will, i will be outside. you will be trapped under rock and rubble. i will thengo on after the earthquake to become the mayor of la. because it would just be me and thesethree guys left. and i don't want to brag but i think i amsmarter than the guy in the trash-can. and i love it when people who have never hadan addiction or especially with cigarettes
will tell smokers how to quit smoking. trying,to be helpful. ohh...kathleen, you should stop that. youknow what you should do, take yoga. but, i am open-minded. i thought, okay maybe... then i went a bought the yoga cloths and theyare so comfortable i never left the house. i was like, oh..my god. these are the greatestpants ever. what are these made out of, a baby? what is this? i am just going to lay here and smoke in these,these are awesome. and, what's sad is when i think about quittingits not even for health reasons. but, if you are a women and you want to see a reason toquit smoking go to any casino in this country
and go to the nickel slot machine area. and find one of those nine hundred year oldlady that is still sitting there smoking. and their, there. that is why when peopleso definitively go, smoking kills..i wanna go, fucking not her. ohh.. it did not get her her picture should be on the other side ofcigarettes going maybe some people sneak through. its weird. there's no explanation. it's not attractive though. especially tohear them talk in front of those slot machine going. i just need one more roll of 20's ifeel it i feel it. this things gonna hit.
i need a god damn cock tail to. what's a taketo get a cocktail around this dump? i tell you what honey this service is so bad if iwas an alcoholic i come here to quick drinking for christ sakes. then the waitress shows up. here's that cocktailyou ordered. oh my god she sounds older than her how the hell is that possible? it's very possible in las vegas because jobsare union and i think that's great. if a woman wants to keep her job forever she should beable to keep her job forever but if a woman is over the age of i don't know, lets say400? how about we not dress her up as nefertiti? how about we get grandma a nice track suitand some easy spirits
she doesn't wanna show it. we don't wannasee it. it's sad. gambling is supposed to be happy time. i'm trying to hit spin on mywheel of fortune slot machine and a lady comes up here's your bud light. and what's morefrightening is that's not what i heard come out of her mouth. what i heard is i'm your future for christsake put the cigarette out learn from me. look at me. i was you 28 god damn minutesago that's how fast it happens. i do i like to drink to smoke to gamble allthose bad things. i was actually sitting in an indian casino drinking vodka smoking playingvideo poker thinking is there anything else bad i can do in one chair?
unless someone walks by with a baby and istab it i don't think i can fuck up any more. and if you're a gambler this country is gettingnothing but better. there are casinos every where. indian casinos everywhere. but yougotta be careful because some of them there is no alcohol but you don't know that untilyou get there cause there are bars that looks real but they're not. i did a show at one on minnesota i got upon stage. i go can i get a beer. guy goes nope. can i get a glass of wine? he's like nope.
i thought it was a drink guessing game. there's no alcohol on this entire reservation.and i go oh ah.how big's the reservation? he goes it's 140 miles. i thought wow at nopoint in my life have i ever thought i was an alcoholic until right now. you just said there's not a drink within 140miles of here a horrible feeling went from my left ankle to my right eyebrow the indians are making the money hand overfist and what's really bizarre is the smithsonian dc just built a brand new giant museum dedicatedto the history of nati've americans. its awesome. it's 4 floors high. i went through the wholething. not one slot machine. how do you not
put that? that's the happy ending where theyget all there shit back. the story works out good. the 4th story shouldjust be a casino where white people are loosing money hand over fist and indians in the officejust throwing hundreds around going we did it geronimo the 50th we did it. so i'm not healthy and i don't really likecalifornia. california is not has hip as people think either. everybody thinks it's so liberaland all this. they didn't pass gay marriage but they did it in iowa hows that? yeah iowa of all places. yet california no.they are still arguing about it. and i do love it when any argument is taken to an extreme.
mike huckleberry the guy who ran for presidentwho has his own show on fox repeatedly says. well if allow gay marriage the next thinkyou know people are going to want to marry an animal. maybe where you're from. but then i thoughti don't even care about that. if you wanna marry a goat go ahead. call her. ask her.i don't give a shit. i've been to so many boring ass wedding in the last 5 years i wouldlove it if someone married a goat. if i got an invitations from one of my girlfriendsaying i'm going to marry mr. billy m goat on june 26th will you be in attendance. yes i will.
here's money i wanna buy a table. i'm notcoming alone to the most hilarious event in ever. you get to the church one whole side is goats.baa baa all dressed up standing cause they don't know indoor appropriate behavior. you go to the reception they get into theliquor and start eating the menu and their own outfits i mean come on. then some people take one step future. wellif you allow gay marriage you're changing the definition then what about polygamy huhyou good with that too? you good with that? well the only problem i see with polygamyis all the girls i see involved are under-age.
that's the problem. like i don't i reallyhave a problem with polygamy. if everybody that wanted to do was over the age of 40. lets see how many guys wanna line up to marryme and 10 of my friends. something tells me that marrying a 40 yearsold with an opinion is not quite as inciting as marrying a 15 year old virgin who's gottenkidnapped in a little house on the prairie outfit. 40 something this is were it's at. i'll tellyou something before i go because i can not believe men as a group sometimes every manthat gets caught having an affair. why? because your chasing around a woman in her 20's. billclinton, the guy from espn, tiger. you know
why? because woman in their 20s are goingto tell everybody. they are going to text their friends. they are going to take a pictureof you in bed tag it your ass on facebook you're not even going to know what happened.that's how good they are. if you wanna have an affair and get away with it you have anaffair with someone my age. i am too tired to call anybody and tell them what i did tonight. i'm not texting anyone. i don't care. as amatter of fact i'm not even letting you spend the night. i am going to clip your mittensback on your coat. and tell you to leave and then i'm going toget in my yoga pants and smoke a cigarette and watch hoarders alone.
that's it for me. thank you so much new york.good night. thank you.
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